As he journeyed he came near Damascus, and suddenly a light shone around him from heaven. Then he fell to the ground, and heard a voice saying to him, “Saul, Saul, why are you persecuting Me?” Acts 9:3
I remember the night I got saved. Twas a still night in October (this is when I actually got saved and stuck with it.) I was talking about filthy things with my friend and plotting horror for my ex-boyfriend. I had just had a cigarette and was heading to bed. I couldn’t sleep. I just kept admiring how conniving I could be. Houdini could escape anything except my ploys. As I lay there in bed it hit me, “why am I doing this?” Why am I so vindictive? Do I have to be mad all the time? Surely there must be a better life than this. I thought to myself, ‘Let me make this money and then I will stop for real.’But inside I was tired of one broken relationship after the next.
Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy. Psalms 126:5
I was so mad at men. And I took every chance possible to make sure they knew it. My life was driven by bitterness and revenge. Everything I did was self-destructive. Glory be to God that I’m alive today. The only time I felt stable was in the midst of chaos. Dating me was like holding hands with a natural disaster. My pain reciprocates. A friend once remarked that if I am happy, then there’s a poor soul out there that’s in pain. I’m not proud of everything that I did and God gave me a 360 degree turn around and now I use my skills for the edification of the church.
Instead of your shame you will have a double portion, And instead of humiliation they will shout for joy over their portion. Therefore they will possess a double portion in their land, Everlasting joy will be theirs. Isaiah 61:7
God has not failed me. Ever since I gave my life to him he has restored everything in me that was broken and all the pain I went through he has given me beauty for ashes. The horror my life was is now a testimony for other people that we serve a miracle working God. If God can take my life and turn it over then surely he can forgive whatever you have done to transgress him.
There isn’t a man alive or dead that can lay claim to what God did for me that night. That’s the beauty of God, he looks out for you when you haven’t even asked him. I can’t even take all the responsibility for what happened that night. I fell out of love with the things that I used to do. And when I’d get bad thoughts a small voice would reprimand me. The things that I loved were killing me. And the things that I thought for sure I would die without I am living even better than when I had them. Life is just simpler in Christ.
I doesn’t matter what you are into, you can get out. God wants you free from the cages that we built for ourselves through sin. He can restore you to even better than when you started out. Forgiving yourself is never easy but let go because God already has.
Date – 31/03/2014
Mood – Glad to be saved
Dedication – R. Kelly – You saved me, Kirk Franklin – I Am
Baruch hashem Adonai