Forgive me Father for I have sinned. We haven’t spoken in so long because I have been distracted by my own selfish fleshly needs. Like Adam and Eve in the garden I have been ashamed. I have been ashamed of all the filthy things I have done from the pain of losing the one I loved. He is with you now so I now have an angel in heaven that I actually know by name. When you took him from me I felt so alone cause he is the best thing you have ever given to me after your son and the Holy spirit.
He showed me what love was. He loved me enough for everybody that did not. He loved me like his blood ran through me. He loved me like you love me. He is the one that showed me what love is meant to feel like. He saw the best in me when I couldn’t even see me. He believed in me, invested in me. He inspired me to be a better person and to fight the demons and the darkness that is in and around me. And then he went home to be with you. I should be overjoyed but I am caught up in my fleshly grief.
I wanted to replace him. I looked everywhere for him. The only time I feel appreciated is when I am under a man of the flesh. So I fornicated. It was a downward spiral from there. For those three minutes I would feel needed, loved, and important but then it would end and reality would set in. I substituted one pain for the other. Fornication led to regret. I felt so empty as the men came and went. Constantly used and I knew it but I couldn’t stop. Or I wouldn’t. Cause this pain hurt less than the loss I was going through.
Father I’m sorry. I’m pulling it together now. I’m trading in the lie that is hurting me for the truth of who I am in Christ. Lord I am tired. Tired of running from you and sinning against you. I am tired of fighting your voice calling me to redemption. Dear God, today please take me out of the whale. I am ready to be yours completely. Holy Spirit help me to heal. You are my comforter and only you can save me from this grief.
In Jesus name I pray, Amen.
Dedication: Jesus Culture – Fill me up
Baruch Hashem Adonai